Deep thoughts 💭
I just laid down with the girls and had Alexa sing us some songs from the lullaby station. The whole album is beautiful but Nick Lachey sings a gorgeous song “Baby Mine” to his son. At 3:31 Baby Mine Song (the whole album is beautiful lullabies he dedicated to his son Camden).
I laid there, squished in the middle of Brooklyn Marie and Cali Rose and began balling my eyes out. To the point where I had to calm myself so I didn’t wake them up.
Today was a beautiful and hard day for me. I took them back with their friends to play for the last time. Not on the weekends, but with most of them. I watched them for 2.5 hours speak their own silly language and laugh and sing. I watched Emma-E (sweet Emily) take her best friends hand and sit under a tree, just the two of them for over half an hour. In toddler world, that is a lifetime.
I thought, this is what God must feel like to know a future which we do not yet know. To watch us with love and want us to be happy, no matter what.
I prayed we were making the right decision. People say, they are just kids, they are adaptable, they will make new friends. But, in that moment my heart broke. For 3.5 hours every day Brooklyn, Cali and Emily play together. They name their toys after each other. Brooklyn said she’s excited for the new school as long as Emily comes too. Also, there were new friends I met today too- so ecstatic to see our girls after a few days of their absence, (and me bitter sweet not knowing if we would ever see them again, but hoping someday we would). Although I’m pretty sure I’ll invite them all to the birthday parties, and play dates... especially Emily, and Jake (Cali’s boyfriend haha 😂).
I begin work next week, after my medical leave. I am thankful I’ve been able to rest and recover and spend the sick days together. I feel blessed I was able to work from home while they were babies...
Babies. And then it hits me, they are not babies anymore? They call themselves baby, I call them my babies... but they are turning 3 and 5 years old. It feels like I blinked and there they sit having a conversation with one another. Starting another school. I know I will blink again and there will be science projects and math homework and book reports. And then again and there will be drivers permits and proms and cheer or sports practice. And again and they will no longer want me to spend 3 hours or even 5 seconds with their friends at school (but I hope that’s not true).
I closed my eyes as I listened to the leaves 🍁 blow in that school yard. The director, Miss Wendy has been there 30 years. I wondered how many children have come and gone and grown. Our very own Emily’s daddy went there when he was a young boy. Where are they now? Where will our girls be? Where will their best friends be? Where will any of us be?
I close my eyes again and I can see myself at that age, walking to school through the changing leafs with my own grandma, Babci. I miss her more than words. She died one month before I met Jay, she never got to meet the girls... but I like to believe she was in that breeze in the trees watching over them today with me.
And my mom who has been a blessing for 8 crazy months with us this year - and we are so thankful. I am sad she is leaving in a month, I know the girls will miss her too- even more change. So much change. They miss their nanny Lori and the only home they ever knew, and all of their grandparents as we start our new life in a new state (with one permanent-season- eternal sunshine ☀️... of the spotless mind). Then of course there was my heart surgery and me being gone in the hospital and different for the past three months, no longer carrying them for a while. Now this- their first school and first friends and their first best friend ... and now a new school a new beginning, once again. 😪
So I laid there in bed, and thought about the past, and the present, and their future. I thought about how being their mommy is the best job I have, and will ever have (and how I dont want to mess it up and I want them to be eternally happy!). I thought about how much they have grown, and how proud I am of them and how much love and hope I have for their future. I thought about enjoying every second with them this week and in the weeks and years ahead. I cried, I smiled, and I cried. I kissed them on their heads, those babies of mine.
PS I have already informed Emily’s mom Cathryn she’s stuck with me 💖
Listen to the song and be reminded of that precious innocence we all once had. I hope we always do, even if only in our memories.💝🖼