Baby Mine, I will always love you

Deep thoughts 💭

I just laid down with the girls and had Alexa sing us some songs from the lullaby station.  The whole album is beautiful but Nick Lachey sings a gorgeous song “Baby Mine” to his son. At 3:31 Baby Mine Song (the whole album is beautiful lullabies he dedicated to his son Camden).

I laid there, squished in the middle of Brooklyn Marie and Cali Rose and began balling my eyes out.  To the point where I had to calm myself so I didn’t wake them up.

Today was a beautiful and hard day for me.  I took them back with their friends to play for the last time.  Not on the weekends, but with most of them.  I watched them for 2.5 hours speak their own silly language and laugh and sing.   I watched Emma-E (sweet Emily) take her best friends hand and sit under a tree, just the two of them for over half an hour.  In toddler world, that is a lifetime.

I thought, this is what God must feel like to know a future which we do not yet know. To watch us with love and want us to be happy, no matter what.

I prayed we were making the right decision.  People say, they are just kids, they are adaptable, they will make new friends.  But, in that moment my heart broke.  For 3.5 hours every day Brooklyn, Cali and Emily play together. They name their toys after each other.  Brooklyn said she’s excited for the new school as long as Emily comes too. Also, there were new friends I met today too- so ecstatic to see our girls after a few days of their absence, (and me bitter sweet not knowing if we would ever see them again, but hoping someday we would).  Although I’m pretty sure I’ll invite them all to the birthday parties, and play dates... especially Emily, and Jake (Cali’s boyfriend haha 😂).

I begin work next week, after my medical leave. I am thankful I’ve been able to rest and recover and spend the sick days together.  I feel blessed I was able to work from home while they were babies...

Babies. And then it hits me, they are not babies anymore? They call themselves baby, I call them my babies... but they are turning 3 and 5 years old.  It feels like I blinked and there they sit having a conversation with one another.  Starting another school.  I know I will blink again and there will be science projects and math homework and book reports.  And then again and there will be drivers permits and proms and cheer or sports practice.  And again and they will no longer want me to spend 3 hours or even 5 seconds with their friends at school (but I hope that’s not true).

I closed my eyes as I listened to the leaves 🍁 blow in that school yard.  The director, Miss Wendy has been there 30 years.  I wondered how many children have come and gone and grown.  Our very own Emily’s daddy went there when he was a young boy. Where are they now? Where will our girls be? Where will their best friends be? Where will any of us be?

I close my eyes again and I can see myself at that age, walking to school through the changing leafs with my own grandma, Babci.  I miss her more than words.  She died one month before I met Jay, she never got to meet the girls... but I like to believe she was in that breeze in the trees watching over them today with me.

And my mom who has been a blessing for 8 crazy months with us this year - and we are so thankful.  I am sad she is leaving in a month, I know the girls will miss her too- even more change.  So much change.  They miss their nanny Lori and the only home they ever knew, and all of their grandparents as we start our new life in a new state (with one permanent-season- eternal sunshine ☀️... of the spotless mind).  Then of course there was my heart surgery and me being gone in the hospital and different for the past three months, no longer carrying them for a while.   Now this- their first school and first friends and their first best friend ... and now a new school a new beginning, once again. 😪

So I laid there in bed, and thought about the past, and the present, and their future.  I thought about how being their mommy is the best job I have, and will ever have (and how I dont want to mess it up and I want them to be eternally happy!). I thought about how much they have grown, and how proud I am of them and how much love and hope I have for their future. I thought about enjoying every second with them this week and in the weeks and years ahead.  I cried, I smiled, and I cried.  I kissed them on their heads, those babies of mine.

PS I have already informed Emily’s mom Cathryn she’s stuck with me 💖

Listen to the song and be reminded of that precious innocence we all once had. I hope we always do, even if only in our memories.💝🖼

Reflections on the friends I have, and may never meet...

Tonight I looked out of our windows and saw in the darkness of 2:00 in the morning a house on the hill with lights on- and was flooded with emotions.  Rewind six years ago and Jay and I had just moved in together and we would often take the fur kids on hikes.  There was this one hill way atop that had this beautiful view, and a gorgeous house atop it. We sat- overlooking the house on the hill and I looked around at my "family"- Jay, my then boyfriend- Luka, our dog, Mirage - our second dog, and Austin- our cat.  I never met the people who lived there- I don't know if they were old or young- if they had just moved in or lived there 20 years or more.  I wondered about them, what they looked like, what their family was like...Six years later and I still have never met them; I don't know if I will ever meet them, or if our paths have crossed, will cross, or may never cross.  Isn't that such a strange concept?  This happens millions a times a day-throughout our entire lives- we are just going by, living our lives while people are living their own lives.  Their joys and celebrations, their hear breaks and sorrows, their loves and losses- we are all just living.

My life is so different now from that first hike.  Jay proposed- Danica my stepdaughter moved in, Mila - my second stepdaughter would come to visit, and since then -we have had not one but two babies- Brooklyn and Cali.  We  have since lost two of our fur kids.  Sadly Mirage was in a hit and run  on a Christmas Eve last year- the  saddest christmas of my life- but four sweet days later my gorgeous baby Cali was born- and filled my darkest hour with some light.  Austin, our cat got sick, he rapidly began losing weight and getting what appeared to be cancer according to one of the vets.  Towards the end he did not leave my side- he even ate and drank which game me hope and then one day- he meowed to go out and has  never returned.  I read animals do this when it's their time- my heart breaks, but without closure of a final goodbye it does not feel real.  I often think I see him in the shadows of the night, only to realize it's not. So odd how I can spend 6-10 years so intimately, working from home, seeing them every day, sleeping with them, thinking of them as my "kids"... and then one day, just like that, they're gone, and my family as I knew it just six short years ago is so different in such a short period of time.

I wonder how those people who live in that houses life might have changed- if at all.  Do they ever look up at our house and lights in the night and wonder the same thing?

This area, unlike NYC and RTP is not transient.  More often than not the people I meet were born here, have grown old here and will most likely die here.  Very few travel outside these areas and even less have plans of moving.  Jay and I are nomads, Rolling Stones.  Between the two of us we have moved 20 times, multiple statues and even countries.  Although I am not shy at making friends, (I always say a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet")  I often am reserved to really truly get close to anyone - - sort of unconscious affect to avoid the pain of losing friendships after I inevitably move as I always have.

I am thankful to social media - especially facebooked for this reason.  So many people get to participate and stay involved in our lives and vice versa- no matter where we live.

On trips -Jay and I have been to 75 countries and countless cities and towns- we often meet people through our adventures.  Jay calls these encounters- a reason, a season or a lifetime.  You never know how the person you meet- albeit a fleeting period of time in the scheme of your life will impact the rest of your entire life... or, perhaps just a flickering shadow in the memories of your life.  

Our most recent example would be our newest friend -Wayne; we met on the ferry from Ireland to Liverpool.  He only takes that ferry twice a year- we happened to be on one of those two voyages.  Out of thousands of people aboard, we happend to sit next  each other.  Rather then remain silent- he started a conversation about our accents and  inquired where we were from.  As an Irish fellow, he happened to live in the states when he was 16.  We ended up chatting for the entire three hour voyage- even while Jay fell asleep in between us.  I had plans of playing matchmaker with this delightful, polite single young man with the adorable accent to one of my single friends (you know who you are). He even helped me to entertain (and wrangle) some of the mischievous Irish, and UK baby/toddler girls who wandered around and became friends with Brooklyn and Cali to prevent them from waking Jay up while taking selfies while he slept with his IPAD and giggling.  We became friends- and then FB friends- -and now somebody who I might never have seen again will forever be our friends.

I am also reminded of Narayan, our tour guide in Nepal- one of our honeymoon destinations.   We spent three days with him and we loved it there, and being in his knowledgeable, warm and inviting company... we promised if we ever went back to scale Mt. Everest or simply eat the delicious local cuisine called MoMos-  it would be with him.  Imagine a few years later how devastated I was when the earthquake hit Nepal- and how relieved I was when he marked his family safe on FB (I would have always wondered and worried had we lost touch).

Perhaps my biggest reminder is my South African friend "Dad Deon"- who was my tour guide in SA the month before I met Jay.  During that trip- My  grandmother passed away -and I got extremely sick.  Deon was more of a dad to me then my real dad ever was.  He cared for me, consoled me, took me to the doctors and insured I felt loved and taken care of....even when I was all the way around the world, without my closest family or friends, I was blessed to have my dear friend Jared- as well as the new friends I made.   I of course became FB friends with him and his beautiful wife Vinessa and family and think of them all often- all the way on the other side of the world- but just a click away thanks to Facebook.  We are like tech savvy new version of pen pals.

Heck I even met my sister and brother  thanks to  facebook - but that deserves its own blog.  :)

Sure, there are many more people I have met that I have not connected with and may never see again.      Times like this, when I am feeing melancholy and thoughtful I think of each of them.  I wish them health and happiness and hope that one day, someday our paths might cross again.  I am thankful for the evolution of technology-  and that people I meet along the way I can connect with and share in this crazy journey we call life.  There are so many people I have only met a few times but our lives have become interwoven and they have truly earned a place in my heart (and on my newsfeed).

I am not sure if we will grow old here, or move in a few months.  I don't know who will enter my life, or who will leave it... or who will cross my path along the way.  I do not know when the first time I meet someone if that is the last- or the beginning of a lifelong friendship... but I hope it is.  I hope to know you, I hope that my journey is filled with amazing people like the ones I have been blessed to know so far.  I don't know where my destination will take me, or any of us... but I am excited for the journey (and to have YOU in my life...be it a reason, a season, or my lifetime).

My First Letter to my Little Girl

I often lay awake at night, staring at this new and amazing life.  An angel, from heaven sent to Jay McBain and I.  Filled with innocence, and love.  Beaming with giggles and curiosity.

So tiny, so perfect!  I cannot believe we made her.  Nine months I wondered, what will you look like, will you like me, will I be a good mommy to you?  That part came naturally- we adored each other immediately <3.  I love Jay with all my heart and you are the result of that love times ten!

I think- what will you look like, what will you sound like, what amazing things are in store for you?  Yet I think, I would like to freeze this moment and keep my tiny perfect thing forever.

The way you gaze in my eyes and smile, melts my heart and brings me to tears.  The way you grunt in your sleep makes me laugh.  The way the fur kids- Luka and Mirage have become the guardians of the nursery, and stroll by and lick your hair giving you a silly Alfalfa hair do.  And the second you coo, they rush to your side to make sure you are ok.  You are leader of the pack, and only 6 weeks old and yet we cannot imagine our lives without you!

Brooklyn Marie McBain I am so thankful that we had you- and will do my very best to keep your life interesting and amazing- because it truly is awe inspiring.  Daddy and I promise to show you new and enchanting worlds, and to treat you like the little precious princess you are.  I promise to read to you every night, and do my best to instill in you the giving humanity that will make you not only beautiful on the outside, but the inside as well.

You are our wonders of the world honeymoon baby.  I want to take you traveling so you too can see the world.  The sun setting over the ancient pyramids of Egypt, the crystal blue waters of Iceland, the rainbow colors of fish and coral in Australia's Great Barrier Reef, the majestic mountain tops of Mt. Everest in the crisp cool air of Nepal, onthe gentle rains falling over the Taj Mahal, on an elephant ride through the jungles of Thailand- and oh so much more.  See, sense, taste the world little girl.  Open your mind, and your heart- give of yourself, your heart, your home- as we promise to do for you always.

As you grow, don't be scared to take a leap of faith (figuratively or literally as mommy did right after daddy proposed and jumped 10,000 feet in the air into beautiful fluffy clouds and a sparkling ocean below).  My heart beating so loud it was audible, and yet once in the air, I felt no fear.  I saw and felt things I never will again, flying and floating like in a dream... the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, until I saw you!

Dream BIG, and don't let anyone stifle your dreams.  You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to.  And, if you fail, you are that much closer to achieving success.  Remember to read the inspiring words of the incredible Dr. Seus' Oh The Places You'll Go in times such as these.  No matter what mommy, and daddy (and a whole LOT of other people) love you more than words and will there by your side to cheer you on, support you, and love you unconditionally forever and always!

It will not always be easy, but remember to always look at the world as you do now- with curiosity, wonder and innocence... try to find the beauty and meaning of this amazing thing we call life, and please remember always how much better you made ours- just by being in it.

Love Always, and Forever....
Your mommy xo

To view more pictures of our precious angel, click here: Baby Brooklyn Slideshow 

Password:  Brooklyn

A huge THANK YOU to the AMAZING Photographer Sarah D'Alberto for her cherished photography of our precious baby girl.  To see more of her amazing work click here:  http://sarahdalbertophotography.com/

A few thoughts....: Brooklyn Marie McBain born on April 1, 2014

A few thoughts....: Brooklyn Marie McBain born on April 1, 2014: Michelle and I are truly blessed. Our little angel, Brooklyn Marie McBain, made her way into the world on April 1, 2014 at 5:35pm.



You are the most amazing husband, father, best friend and soul mate ever!  What an amazing surprise this is.  I adore you, our beautiful blissful baby, our daughters and fur kids.  You are THE love of my life, and the man of my dreams.  I adore you, and am eternally grateful for the best gift of all:  Your journey through this life, hand in hand as my husband and making me a mommy to the best baby EVER! <3 Love you eternally! :D 

Pre Honeymoon Happiness- Finding Nemo

Countdown to Pre-Honey Moon 2 weeks to the day!!! Woo Woo.  As you all might know Jay McBain and I have tons of things in common, but TOPS on our list is the fact that he and I are crazy Travelers (in fact the night we met I had just got back from Beautiful South Africa and he was about to leave for SA!).  We go fast, hard, and care more about food, culture and experience than thread count on bed linens. We usually average 7 countries in about 10 days...(the perfect amount of time for a whirlwind trip for insomniac work-a-holics).  Someday we plan on going back  and spending a good amount of time in each of our favorites!










Thus far he has been to 56 countries and I have been to 46 (but he's older... just sayin').  In our first two years we have been to 23 countries together!!! So I am most excited that we have decided to use frequent flyer miles (thank you Wedding Credit Card) to keep our "Travel The World" every 6 months voyage in action.  We will be voyaging down Under to Australia and New Zealand (I desperately tried to include Fiji or Papa New Guinea- but there are not enough hours in the day, or miles to spend this go round! haha).  We usually choose capital cities, and skip tropical paradises (ie Bangkok vs Phuket) but this time I smuggled in a beautiful chance for a little piece of Paradise (playing both the Honeymoon and Valentine's Day Card! ;)).

So on our mission through Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Gold Coast, Auckland... I have snuck in a delightful trip to paradise!  Much of which is still a surprise to my love (girls's gotta have her secrets).  We will be headed to the Whitsundays- Hamilton Island!!! Snorkeling in one of the 7th Wonders of the World- the Great Barrier Reef (one of my dreams come true- and I am on a quest to find Nemo and all his friends), frolicking in the crystal white Sands of Whitehaven (one of the top 10 beaches in the World), Sailing, Snorkeling, Eating, Drinking and plain ol' relaxing.  It will be a much needed break from "Life" Work, School, Wedding Planning, and the COLD (and even a vacation from our normal fast paced Vacations walking approximately 30 miles a day- FACT Jakarta Indonesia - My FitBit can attest).

Here is a glimmer of paradise.  This go round I want to blog about every country we have been to- to treasure every memory and share it with those we love.  I can't wait to continue to journey the World with you my LOVE today- and always!!!!

Click for a Sneak Peek of PARADISE!

Year 1

Free digital slideshow personalized with Smilebox Our Year 1

Year 2

Free photo slideshow created with Smilebox Last night Jay and I celebrated our 2 Year Anniversary ... the day we met, stayed up talking till 6 in the morning, and fell in love with eachother!! Little did he know I was working hard on his gift. This is a compilation of our memories in YEAR 2!  Warning - it is JAM PACKED with lots of amazing memories. Feel free to fast forward through our magical Year 2! :) Jay- thanks for making every day of my life memorable, even when we are just celebrating hand in hand eating Fro Yo, hehe. I Love you today, tomorrow, and always!

Ode To My Fur Kids

When I look at your sweet face

And see the grays creeping in on your chin

I remember your days as a puppy

Just moments ago, blown by in the wind.

I think to myself how lucky I am

To have my life be blessed by you.

Sweet and loving, always forgiving

And to not only have one- but two!

Together we have all grown up

So many memories we share

Every laugh, and every smile

Through every tear, you were there

You never leave my side

On walks you wait for me

(I suppose you have an advantage…

I have ½ the legs of thee)

The way you play, And sleep all day

And snuggle all night long

The way you cry at the foot of the bed,

And sing to me your song

I lift you up, and share my bed,

Or rather give you all!

And you give all your heart to me...

I’m luckiest of all.

Love is a Leap of Faith...

So I suppose it is fitting that my fiancé proposed to me while we were skydiving yesterday! :)


Today is the happiest day of my life! I am the luckiest girl in the entire world- all of my dreams have come true!  For those interested in the back story, here it goes...

I wanted to surprise Jay his 40th Birthday. So I spent months dreaming of what the perfect surprise would be :) A Luau? Inviting the entire channel and family to our house? Hmmm such a hard decision.

Jay mentioned once he rather "make a memory" then receive a "thing".  So I said, I could not agree more, I can do that.

Finally I decided on a surprise weekend mix of relaxation and adrenaline! A weekend at Gurney's beach resort in the Hampton's!!! Volleyball on the beach, a room with an ocean view, walks on the beach holding hands, dinner at sunset- perfect.

The adrenaline? We would ride down on our motorcycle, and end the weekend SKY DIVING! I am terrified (of heights, falling, and death- the trifecta- so I didn't tell anyone just in case). Jay was excited ( I told him in advance- that is not something you can surprise someone the day of). My sister, my two cousins, and one of their gf's all did it. Jay and I were 1st...

I will add our pics and videos as soon as I get them from the skydiving school :)

Though I spent every night dreaming terrible nightmares of what would go wrong- (I even made a will before I left and googled ways to not die skydiving- what to avoid before the white light).  For those interested in what skydiving is like.  There are four people in a plane so small that you can hardly move, no seats, heads touching the roof,the plane ride up I was surprisingly relaxed (or in denial). Perhaps because I have been on hundreds of questionable flights thanks to Kayak's awesome cheap tickets.

As we were getting strapped in- 10 seconds before they opened the door- Jay got on his knees and said. Michelle- I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. "Oh no, he doesn't think I'll make it"- I thought. Then he pulls out the most beautiful ring I have ever seen in my life! I did the ugly cry through my goggles and pig tails (I think I said- NOW? Really?) and proceeded to kiss the love of my life, give the pilot my ring to hold bc it was a tad loose, and I didn't want to risk it, and then drop blissfully 10,000 feet with an "ear to ear" and "air to air" smile!




My tandem partner, a fellow Canadian- Nick.  Jay says- we are from the same country, I am trusting you with her.  It felt so nice to be the future Mrs. McBain and hear my future hubby request safe delivery of his precious cargo.  Nick and I are attached.  He opens the door- wind starts rushing in, gulp, no turning back now.  He  hangs one leg out, then tells me too, and I added a second slowly.  I look down and freeze looking at the beautiful ocean and towns of  Long Island NY below.  He says SMILE.  I smile, and all of a sudden I am tumble-salting into thin air.

It is not the feeling of a roller coaster where your stomach plummets, but pure amazing.  For 50 seconds, almost one minute I am flying or floating- arms out, turning over and around in the air, free like a bird, and happy as a lark.  Then he puts his hands in front of my face and starts counting  with his fingers 3, 2, 1...

I knew we had two parachutes, and two chances, or say hello to the white light!  All of a sudden I am vertical and floating down gently.  "Look Up" he screams, and I see the parachute opened like a beautiful rainbow over my head.  "Look back", he says and I see Jay!  His parachute opened- YAY!  We made it!

He hands me the reigns... I say, "No, thanks I'm good".  He is persistent and will not take no for an answer.  I am glad he didn't- pull right he says and we spin wildly right, twirling like a ballerina- floating in the clouds.  Center we slow and hover.  "Now, left" he says! Without thinking I pull, and and we spin left, dancing with the wind.  For five minutes I slowly drift from heavens to earth, but I was floating down on a cloud of love and pure happy bliss.

Our landing!

I went 1st (so I wouldn't chicken out...) I am on the bottom, Jay is on top! 

One final request, "Raise your legs when I say", "okay" I say, "just say when".  "Now" and he runs and I an on the floor detached.  Jay lands moments behind me.  I run and hug him, my instructor, and his instructor for safely delivering my fiance!  

Love indeed is a leap of faith.  It can be scary, and exciting.  I took that leap when I met you, and took a bigger one when you asked me to marry you on your 40th Birthday, June 24, 2012 - 10,000 feet in the air, 10 seconds before we both leapt out of a plane.  I have no regrets.  Every second, every memory has been absolutely incredible, and I cannot wait to make a lifetime more!!!  Jay McBain, you are my heart, my soul, my best friend, my partner in crime, my cover for my tea pot and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you- making you as ecstatically happy as you make me!!!! xoxooxoxox ♥ ♥ ♥

Special thanks also to the Long Island SkyDiving Center for capturing all the memories on photo, & video, helping our magical day even more amazing, and delivering us safely to each other! (as well as my sister and cousins)  You ROCK! :) Everyone should skydive with your team!